Girl Scout

I was briefly a Girl Scout at some point of my adolescence. I'm sure it was because they probably offered snacks after school or something. All organizations know, "if you feed her, Kristin will come".

I don't think I've ever really had to implement anything I learned from Girl Scouts into everyday life before. Unless you count learning that Samoas are best if you heat them 10 seconds in the microwave before eating. Because this 28 year-old sure as heck knows that. Just ask my garbage man who sees the empty purple boxes piled up every February.

THE best place to exercise is the Tobacco Heritage Trail. I've been burning it up for months now and it's just the best. It's flat, it's quiet. It's peaceful. It's also far away from any sort of modernized toilet...

FYI: Be prepared. I'm getting ready to go "there".

Just some quick background information= I'm so irregular, it's not even funny. They should fire Jamie Lee Curtis and hire me as the spokesperson for Activia yogurt. I can go a week without going. And it's. just. the. worst. There isn't a food you could recommend that I haven't already tried to prompt me to "go". I've done water, I've done powders. It's just how I am. When it gets to a certain point, I'll just take a softener. Then a few days after, I'll go and everything is back to normal.  Surprisingly, even though I've been eating much cleaner, I still haven't gotten on a decent routine. Last weekend, it had been about 6 days with no results. We went to a ballgame and I decided to fill up on super fatty foods to try and...get something started. But, nothing.

Saturday morning, I'm about to head to the trail and I take 3 fiber pills. I figure I'd have something to work with by Monday. I get to the trail and walk about a half a mile. I start running for another half mile until I start to get what one can only describe as an "unpleasant" feeling in my lower abdomen.

 

I'm still running, but I've slowed significantly. Is this a period cramp? Why do I feel "bubbly"? And I meant the "bubbly" in the physical way, not the personality way. All of a sudden, I stop mid-stride. I double over in pain as a sharp stab goes through my stomach. Well. That's too high to be my period. Am I gassy? Do I need to..?? I turn and look both ways on the trail but I don't see anybody or any wildlife. And yes, apparently, I'm that girl who thinks that if I let out some "air" that I'll attract some sort of wildlife. I start walking and figure I'll be dainty about my gas until I try to squeeze and suddenly realize...oh honey, that's NOT gas.

 

I'm FAH-reaking out. I start to pace but my knees are pressed together like I'm holding a golf ball in between them and if I let them go, who knows what will...trickle out. Holy mother of cows, this is going to happen. I start to strategize. I'm a mile and a half away from the truck. I'll never make it that far back. Even if I do, it'll take 10 minutes back to town. Shit! Oh shit. Don't say "shit". Get yourself together! If I go in my pants, Mike won't let me in the truck. I'm going to go in the woods. Oh my GAWD. I can't squat. What if I get it all over my shoes? What if I sit on a snake? And what about the ticks? POISON IVY! OMG. Poison ivy...down THERE!

 

All of this seems to happen in about a 3 minute time span. At about 2 minutes, 45 seconds, it becomes apparent that I have to go in the woods. IMMEDIATELY. Deep breaths. Deeeeep breaths. I check up and down the trail again but no sign of people which is fantastic because I really don't want to go too far off the path. But I also don't want anyone to walk by and see all this glory that's about to happen. And it's NOT going to be pretty. The entire time I'm scanning the area for said snakes, ticks, and poison ivy. I'm also looking for tracks of bears, mountain lions, and sasquatches. Because really, I'm sure these creatures only appear when prissy white girls have their jogging britches around their ankles while they poop unceremoniously for all God's children to see.

 

I find a clear spot and thank the running Gods that I don't have any underwear on because I was sweating so badly that I could barely peel my leggings down. Yeah, I thought I was grateful about that...until I realized I. DIDN'T. HAVE. TOILET. PAPER.

 

I do what I had to do and start scrounging around for something to wipe with. If I take a sock off, I'll have to walk back a mile and a half barefoot and I'll get blisters. I have no sleeves to yank off. I'm screwed. About this time, my imagination takes over and I'm stuck in an episode of The Walking Dead. I'm in the middle of the woods, in this position, and I have no way to boldly fight off Walkers. I also sadly realize that I'm also lacking one Daryl Dixon, therefore, the zombies are going to attack and eat me while I'm squatting on the forest floor with my sweat-soaked pants rolled down to my ankles which are now surrounded with all of last night's junk food. Which means MY zombie will not only be a sweaty, unappealing version of me, but one with no pants. This takes "I'm up shit creek without a paddle" to a whole new level, ladies and gentlemen.

 

I start doing Lamaze breathing treatments even though I feel like I just gave birth. I calm myself down enough to start looking closely at my surroundings. I see that I'm beside an oak tree which has a pretty wide leaf. I know I'm not allergic to that type so I yank a few off and clean myself up. I will NEVER be picky about my toilet paper again, mind you. I work my pants back up and re-check the trail for pedestrians. Once clear, I head back in the direction I came from. I'm walking like a duck, waddling side-to-side, because while I appreciated the lack of panties 10 minutes before, I am now cursing myself. I finally make it back to where I need to be. I get myself home and check all nooks and crevices for ticks.

 

There were so many life lessons learned on this day. And all I kept thinking of afterwards was how I survived (almost) a traumatic experience all by myself. I surely didn't pay attention in Girl Scouts so I can't contribute the resources I used in the woods to them. However, if there was a badge to be earned for what I went through last weekend, I'm sure it'd say "I'm a Shitty Survivor".

Eat your fiber, boys and girls.