I should've titled this post basically the one word that personifies the morning I had today: EW. I just re-read my last post and I saw where I called the uterus-dye-test "uber awesome". Obviously, I had not done my homework.
We left home this morning at 5:50 in order to make it to Johnston-Willis by 7:30. It should be against the dang law for a TEACHER on SUMMER BREAK to have to wake up BEFORE 10:00. The person who scheduled my appointment should be buried under the jail for waking me up at 5:15 for no reason other than to shove my cookie into a man's face for the first time, for medical purposes, of course.
If I wasn't postive before, I was reassured today that I am emtionally invested with Dr. Edelstein.
**Side note: My new phrase of the week is "emotionally invested". Definition: to develop feelings (not necessarily romantic ones) for a person, place, thing, or idea. Used in a sentence: "As a teenager, I was emotionally invested in Justin Timeberlake. I cried when I heard he dated Britney Spears. CRIED." Used in another sentence: "Before I see Florida-Georgia Line in concert, I feel like I should be emtionally invested in the group". Used one more time in a sentence: "Now that I've seen pictures of Florida-Georgia Line, I am emotionally invested".**
Back to Dr. Edelstein. I love him. More than I love Dr. Gospodnetic. He also has insanely white teeth that are perfectly symmetrical. Those who know me know that teeth are a deal-breaker. He may have studied my file five minutes before I walked in, but he made me feel like he remembered everything about me. He walked me through E-VER-Y step of the procedure and now I feel like I should do the same for you. And don't even act like you aren't curious--you were emotionally invested when you opened this post and saw I mentioned "fifty shades" and "crazy" in the same sentence. You just didn't know I was referring to the procedure.
So, here I am in 2 hospital gowns. One on like a night gown, the other on like a robe so nothing "popped" out at an inappropriate time. I go in this large, open room that has what looks like a mammouth-sized baking mixer sitting in the middle of the floor. Instead of where the bowl would go, there is a table. With NO stirrups. I'm laying flat on the table and he tells me to sit my legs up like I'm about to do a sit-up. In my mind I'm all like, "what's that?" Then I have to scoot myself to the very end of the table and scrunch my torso until my bent legs have no option but to open the doors to the show--if ya know what I'm sayin'. Then he says, "Okay, I'm going to stretch you a little bit and then I'll sterilze the area. Once I do that, I'm going to give you a numbing shot and you'll feel a little pinch. Once I squirt the dye in, you'll start cramping but remember to breathe and it'll be over in less than 20 seconds."
All I heard from those few sentences was "stretch", "shot", and "cramping". Um, what? Who. The. Hell. signed me up for that?
Ladies, I won't get into graphics but I will give you some tidbits that come from direct experience from yours truly.
1. Never EVER let a man get a needle that close to THAT area, no matter how wonderful his teeth are.
2. Never trust when a MAN tells you "okay, you'll feel a little pressure". Bu!!$3!*t. He can't be the judge of what constitutes as "a little" anything. Pressure is pressure and NO measure of it is good. Or little.
3. 20 seconds is actually measureable to 3 hours and 45 minutes and 56 seconds.
4. When looking at an ultrasound screen, it's OKAY to ask them what you are looking at. While I'm looking at the screen and analyzing what I'm seeing, turns out, what I thought was my uterus was the instrument the doc was using to move stuff around.
5. If you've never been pregnant and had your water break, I imagine after having THIS procedure, you'll know what to expect when that time comes. The dye is RED. The table I was on looked like somebody had been shot. And now I'm officially done with grossing you out.
After all was said and done, everything was normal! This was my last test. All my bloodwork came back fine with the exception of a blood mutation that showed up. It's called the MTHFR gene mutation. I can't make this stuff up. You know what those letters looked like to Mike...Anyway, basically the cause of this mutation is a folic acid deficiency or something like that (when I googled it, I couldn't even begin to understand it so I say it like this and hope that I sound like I know what I'm talking about). I now take my prenatal vitamin, an additional folic acid supplement, a baby aspirin, and an antibiotic daily. I even have one of those old-lady pill caddies that all pills go in. We call it the "Baby Cocktail".
We have a deadline. If I'm not pregnant by September, then we go back to look into what's next. With the rest of the summer, two beach trips, and several strawberritas in my future, I'm thinking we'll get lucky. At least, I know Mike will ;)
Here's a little uterus humor for you.
The reason we get cramps every month...
Here's a little uterus humor for you.
The reason we get cramps every month...
