Octomom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As expected, we had a blank ultrasound again today. Mike and I are seasoned at this so we went in with our armor on and held it together like champs! Poor Doctor Gospodnetic, I swear he was more upset than we were. Even if he was faking it, I actually felt like he was a little let-down just as much as we were over this one. Anyway, we jumped right into the "what now" questioning and I was referred to the Fertility Institute of Virginia. Fancy, huh?? As soon as the name slipped from his mouth, all I could think about was "multiple babies". I guess this is a common thought, considering that most media portrays "fertility centers" with either a guy in a small room and a cup or InVitro. And to me, IVF equals twins or more. Well, we definitely are ahead of the game because Michael A. Peebles most certainly does not need a little room with a little cup because he has nailed his part (no pun intended!) all three times! It's me that obviously needs some repairing.

 

Sooo...much like any modern, young lady who is about to allow a new man to view her girl bits, I blew up Google this afternoon in search of my new doctor. I am very pleased with everything I've read. I read many posts in forums that discussed both the doctors at this place and didn't see the first negative review; this is promising. The only so-so thing I've read is that in recurrent miscarriage cases at this center, 60% of cases found the problem. That leaves 40% of cases that didn't find out what the issue was. GAH. I need more reassuring numbers!!!! At this point, I learned a LONG time ago this entire situation is out.of.my.hands. Completely. I'm going to the specialist to see if he can identify an easily fixable problem, but I have to remain true to myself and recognize that he may not find a thing and accept that we are on our own. After the first MC, I will openly admit that I was mad at God. I was shocked initially, but the shock wore away and anger remained. I'm not proud of my anger, by any means, but I was. The second MC was even harder, but I started changing my prayer from "please let me keep this kid" to "let me follow the plan you have set for me". And that's exactly what I prayed before, during, and after this recent one. From the beginning, all I've asked was "this is all on you...help me get to where I'm supposed to be in this plan". I can honestly say I didn't have the slightest bit of anger towards God this time around because I know this is part of a bigger scheme. It's an effed up scheme, but it's all I've got to hold on to. After all, when you are struggling and find yourself asking where God is, remember that the teacher is always quiet during a test.

 

I totally stole that from Pinterest.
 

Moving on to a much more pressing matter, I have a situation. Let me give you some background information. I have a neighbor directly across the street from me. Our houses basically mirror each other (they were built from the same floor plan) but differ in colors, etc. We have wrap around front porches with white columns. The first Christmas at our house, we draped garland around our railing and column and had lighted wreaths and deer in the yard. It was very tasteful and classy, and about caused a divorce while putting it up, but that's beside the point. Anyway, this past Christmas, like not even December yet, we got home one afternoon and this bitch stole our decorations! Like totally replicated what we had done the year before. We were beyond pissed. Of course we couldn't put up ours then because we'd look like the copy-cats. It was then that we initiated: YARD WARS.

 

This brings me to now. One of the the deciding factors in our house hunting was the porch because I am a true southerner and demanded proper fern-hanging capability. Every summer, I find the biggest, bushiest ferns and they are proudly displayed from May-November. Our porch has four columns across the front, thus creating the need for three ferns for it to be symmetrically correct. It is still too early in the year to buy them, so our porch is bare. HOWEVER! We wake up Saturday and I open the front door and (GASP!) WHO has put up hanging ferns on her porch?! YES! The no-good, tacky, Christmas-decoration-stealer!!! I was livid. Never in all the summers we've been here (only two, but that's not the point) has she hung ANYTHING up except those big ole honkin' country star things. And I don't mean one, I'm talking like 3 all over the front of her house. Ugh. I immediately shut the door back and tell Mike to get up and look across the road. Because he is my husband and we are totally in sync, he said, "WHAT. She finally cut her grass?" Which was followed by, "NOOOOO BIG DUMMY! SHE JACKED OUR FERNS!!!!!!!" Which was followed by "God you are weird".

Because of all I've been dealing with lately, I've been a total home-body. This has been a good thing, however, it forces me to look across the street with every move I make. By Saturday night, I realized, wait a minute. She only has two ferns on the front and one on the side. She isn't going to put another one on the front. This makes it uneven. Oh my. My OCD can't handle this. I can handle the idea-stealing, but I don't think I can go all summer looking at this house with the missing fern. It'll drive me crazy. I mean, I made Mike take my car back to the dealership several years ago because they put my inspection sticker on my windshield crooked and I coudn't stand it. Yes, I'm a total macadamia. For three days now, I've been staring like a crazy lady at this woman's house. I can't look away. I'm trying to figure out how I can buy another fern and sneak it to her porch during the night without her hearing me. We aren't buddy-buddy, so I surely can't call her or bust up over there and casually mention how retarded it looks with the huge gaping hole. I'm at a loss.

I reckon this situation is much like my fertility issue. Nothing I can do about it, just suffer a little everyday until I'm rewarded (either with a child...or an additional fern...) God sure is quiet during this test. I just pray his OCD is as nutso as mine and he'll stop us during the test to say, "FOR MY SAKE, PLEASE ADD ANOTHER FAH-REAKING FERN TO THAT DAMN PORCH!". Either that, or I'll start praying for her green thumb to turn black.

"3rd time's a charm..."

...is total bullshit. Two weeks ago, I was having a total meltdown because I thought, finally, luck just happened to be on my side. What I knew at the time was this: I conceived on the 13th of the 3rd month of the year and it was my 3rd pregnancy. What I didn't know at the time was that was the beginning of my 3rd miscarriage.

 

On Easter Sunday, I had a saving moment during church. If you know me, or even if you know me through this blog, you know that I'm not an overly religious person. I'm not a perfect Christian and I sure as heck don't try to sell myself as one. However, two weeks ago during chruch I was a crying, weepy lunatic because God was speaking directly to me through my hunky, Korean-model preacher. I had taken a pregnancy test the Thursday night before that Sunday and I was feeling totally beside myself with worry. The sermon was called, "I Die Everyday". I have memorized part of this sermon because when I heard it for the first time, a calmness I can't explain took me over. Rev. Cho said "in life we die everyday, just a little, however, the immense joy from the gift we will find after the suffering will be totally worth the sacrifice of dying". Having had two miscarriages before, these words could not have come at a better time for me. The past two weeks have been an utter emotional rollercoaster. It has not been fun. It has not been pleasant. I have surely died a little every day since seeing that positive test. The best way to explain this insane situation is to break it down in a timeline.

 

December- Was told by Dr. G that if I wasn't pregnant by March, come back in.

March 1-21- Doubtful that I'd conceived. Didn't do the deed on the right days.

March 21 (thu)-Boobs were crazy, achingly sore. Took a test=negative.

March 28 (thu)-Period 2 days late, took a test=postive. I may be a procrastinator, but I get the job done on the required due date ;)

April 1 (mon)-Retest=positive

April 4 (thu)-First ultrasound. Too early to see anything. Postive urine. Positive blood. HCG 750.

April 6 (sat)-Woke up and peed. Wiped bright red blood, no cramps or pain. Had an almost hysterical meltdown.

April 7 (sun)-No blood all day. Called doc. Said to come in Monday for another blood test.

April 8 (mon)- Started bleeding bright red all day. On the way to the doc, started having intense cramping. Knew I was miscarrying; I'm a professional, I would know.

Got to the doc, they took blood. Sitting on table buck naked, bending over in major pain waiting for the doc, I passed a huge amount of gross blood. So embarrassing. Doc comes in. I apologize for making a total mess, explain that I know its happening. He sticks the thing in, and says, "well, you're still pregnant!" I had my head turned away from the screen because frankly, at this point, this was my 5th ultrasound ever and I didn't want to see a blank screen again...but when I looked, there it was. A 50 cent piece sized blob on the screen that had tripled in size since my visit 4 days before. Talk about a miracle! Doc said what I passed was probably a blood clot. All looked good.

April 9 (tue)- Doc called to tell me my bloodwork came back. Said my levels had only increased to 950, which wasn't as high as they should have been. He predicted I'd miscarry in the next few days.

April 9-11-Read every article ever written on threatened miscarriage, bleeding during early pregnancy, vanishing twins, etc. Convinced myself there was still hope because even though I had cramps and bled heavily that one day, I still saw the baby on the screen which means it's still in there. Only spotted off and on these 2 days.

Today, 7:00am-4:00pm-Woke up with period-like cramps (which for me is equals PAIN and no relief, considering I'm only taking regular strength Tylenol for pain, just in case...) Bleeding ALL day (pretty heavily). Gave up any hope that what I saw on the screen on Monday is still there.

4:00pm-Took 5 Ibuprofens (sp?)  and had a tall sweet tea. Probably killed whatever was left inside, if there was anything.

Right now-Lingering cramps, still bleeding. And just plain ANGRY.

 

I have to go back Monday for an ultrasound to make sure all is out and everything looks normal. I have cried and bled everyday since taking that first test. I'm done. I'm SICK of feeling this way. And I'm pale. Like, vampire-ishly pale. It's not healthy. The worst part is, I've read a thousand and two real-life stories from other blogs and community chats and with a newly identified diagnosis of "recurrent miscarriage", there isn't a good chance of them finding out what is wrong with me. Every time I haven't made it past 6 six weeks. There has GOT to be some way for them to test and find out what the deal is. I couldn't be more of a perfect model of a pregnant person when I'm pregnant so I know it has nothing to do with what I'm doing on the outside. Something on the inside has to be fixed and it has to be done before I try again because neither Mike nor I can take this again, I promise you. We die everyday; in the sense that we have suffered everyday with this situation since the first test. We've suffered with worry. (And to the people who told me, "don't worry about it, don't think about miscarrying" obviously have never had two in a row before because that's like being on a diet and watching the molten lava cake sundae from Sonic commercial in slow motion. You are GOING to think about it every second. It's inevitable.) We've suffered every time I've gone to the bathroom. We've suffered with every blank ultrasound screen. We've suffered with every kid I teach whose parents could give a shit less about them yet are unmarried, dirt poor, on drugs, or just generally bad people who had perfectly normal pregnancies and popped out a kid with no issues whatsover. We've suffered with every kid Mike has had to watch being taken away from their crack-head, on-welfare parents who were able to have multiple children while we go through this pain time after time after time. It's not right! We die everyday.

 

Yet while we die a little every day, there will be joy that is ultimately worth all this suffering we've both endured. That is the only thing we both have to hang onto. We may not be the best people in the world. We sure as hell aren't rich. But we have a bond between us that is bigger than any of this. If we don't have a child, the world won't come to an end. We are perfectly content the way we are. It's a huge pill to swallow, because the world would be a little less awesome without the fruit of my loins walking the planet, but it'll be okay. This has been just another battle lost on our part. After I get past the blank screen I'm sure we will see on Monday, we are going balls-to-the-wall with questioning, testing, researching, and studying. There will be a way. I know it. I FEEL it! I knew there was no chance of a pregnancy in March, yet by the grace of God and the postive vibes from people who have had our backs since the first pregnancy test I took on October 23, 2011, it happened. I can't get on Facebook right now because if I see a pregnancy announcement I may actually spontaneously combust on site, yet I wanted to share the latest with my readers. You all have gone above and beyond with your emails, comments, and shared experiences. I have told more than one person that I would NOT be able to go through each and every one of these times without each and every one of you. We may die everyday, but we're still here. And we aren't going down without a fight.