Willy Wonka and the Express Tanning Factory

We are coming up on one month now since we found out we were pregnant for the third time! It is utterly amazing to me that four weeks ago tonight, every single thought that was in my brain was about pregnancy, being pregnant, possibly losing it, having the perfect excuse for being fat, etc. For three and a half weeks, I could literally NOT go five minutes without having the P word in my mind (and by "P" I mean the letter, not "pee", even though I was doing that every five minutes, too). I'm assuming that all pregnant women must feel that way the entire nine months. Technically, counting all three pregnancies, I've been pregnant for almost 4 months...HOLLA. Anyway, yes, this time was particually devasting, moreso than the other two, yet I have a totally different approach to it this time around: I'm doing everything in my power to NOT think about it. I find that when I do, I get a little teary and that's just not acceptable because God knows girls are super ugly with streaky, mascara tracks on their faces. I, for one, am a completely hideous crier. Big, red splotches on my cheeks. Puffy marshmallow
eyes that make my already-Chinese eyes even squintier. Ugh. So I find it best to avoid the situation entirely. I'm even dreading our fertility appointment because I'm still in the mindset that I'm in the "other fifty" percent of women who will never find out what the problem is. Okay, I must apologize. Apparently, I'm guessing--because I'm not really sure--because I'm avoiding any and all things involving "pregnancy" or "periods"--that I'm pre-menstrual which means 3 things:

1. I'm super whiny/bitchy.

2. I'm feeling like I weigh 458 pounds because nothing looks right on me except a 10-year-old white v-neck t-shirt that I stole from Daddy and my fat yoga pants that wouldn't know what yoga or excercise was if it hit them in the face.

3. I'm eating what.ever.I.freaking.want.

Moving on! I'm feeling particularly reminiscent tonight, hence the reason for this post! I have to go to a wedding Saturday night. The groom could be named as my true male BFF from literally pre-K. You all know from my previous post, Big Ben, Parliament, that my childhood, high school, and mostly college career consisted of a clique that included me and five guys that I had been tight with since the beginning of time--plus a permanent girlfriend of one of the guys. Said clique has since somewhat drifted apart, yet when we all get together, it seems like only a few days have separated us instead of years. Like I said, the groom is getting hitched which means the clique will be reunited!! I'm strangely nervous about this reunion, for several reasons. One of them is how I don't look much like my smoking hot seventeen year old self anymore. Not that I was smoking hot, because even then I thought I was chubby, but still. Ten years changes girls much moreso than it changes guys. Those bastards. All of us were platonic (most of the time) yet I felt like I was attractive enough to hang with them and know they if a random person asked them if they thought I was attractive, they said "yes". Or at least an "uh huh". If you watched "That 70's Show", that is a prime example of our relationships. I was Donna--the relatively attractive girl who hung out with guys in a strictly-friendly manner--yet we could all openly joke about each of us being "hot".

In preparation for Saturday, several things had to be taken care of. While completing these errands, I went back in time and compared what I would have done ten years ago in preparation for an even such as this--which was basically our prom. Here are my thoughts:

*TAN.
-THEN: I would've been laying in a tanning bed everyday since February and been super, ridiculously dark by now. Think...Kim Kardashian.
-NOW: I just got back from Wal-mart from purchasing $3.00 Jergens Express "Natural Glow" lotion that's supposed to make me look tan in 2 days. I have no extra money to spend on a tanning package and even if I did, who the hell would want to undress after work, lather up lotion all over this gross, pasty white body, and lay in my own sweat for 20, long, hot minutes. So basically when you see me in the next two days, contain the "OOMPA LOOMPA" jokes. Think...Snooki. But don't say it to my face.
*OUTFIT.
-THEN: Short, tight, revealing. Underwear: optional (not cuz I was a slut, but cuz of underwear lines)
-NOW: Anything that covers up the cottage cheese. Underwear: one of those old lady Spanx one-pieces that sucks it all in for me so I don't have to.
*ALCOHOL.
-THEN: Made sure I was friends with somebody (older) there who would slip me drinks unbeknownst to nosey adults.
-NOW: Make sure I'm friends with somebody there who will slip me 3-5 Ibruprofens with every drink because the thought of a hangover makes me want to vomit, much less the alcohol itself.

Clearly, I'm stressing about this. I know once I get there, all will be okay and it'll be super fun and I won't even think these ridiculous thoughts. Chalk it up to the crazy roller coaster ride my hormones recently vacated! To give you some visuals, I've shared some pictures below. Hope you enjoy this quick walk down Memory Lane as much as I have tonight!

Prom 2003