"3rd time's a charm..."

...is total bullshit. Two weeks ago, I was having a total meltdown because I thought, finally, luck just happened to be on my side. What I knew at the time was this: I conceived on the 13th of the 3rd month of the year and it was my 3rd pregnancy. What I didn't know at the time was that was the beginning of my 3rd miscarriage.

 

On Easter Sunday, I had a saving moment during church. If you know me, or even if you know me through this blog, you know that I'm not an overly religious person. I'm not a perfect Christian and I sure as heck don't try to sell myself as one. However, two weeks ago during chruch I was a crying, weepy lunatic because God was speaking directly to me through my hunky, Korean-model preacher. I had taken a pregnancy test the Thursday night before that Sunday and I was feeling totally beside myself with worry. The sermon was called, "I Die Everyday". I have memorized part of this sermon because when I heard it for the first time, a calmness I can't explain took me over. Rev. Cho said "in life we die everyday, just a little, however, the immense joy from the gift we will find after the suffering will be totally worth the sacrifice of dying". Having had two miscarriages before, these words could not have come at a better time for me. The past two weeks have been an utter emotional rollercoaster. It has not been fun. It has not been pleasant. I have surely died a little every day since seeing that positive test. The best way to explain this insane situation is to break it down in a timeline.

 

December- Was told by Dr. G that if I wasn't pregnant by March, come back in.

March 1-21- Doubtful that I'd conceived. Didn't do the deed on the right days.

March 21 (thu)-Boobs were crazy, achingly sore. Took a test=negative.

March 28 (thu)-Period 2 days late, took a test=postive. I may be a procrastinator, but I get the job done on the required due date ;)

April 1 (mon)-Retest=positive

April 4 (thu)-First ultrasound. Too early to see anything. Postive urine. Positive blood. HCG 750.

April 6 (sat)-Woke up and peed. Wiped bright red blood, no cramps or pain. Had an almost hysterical meltdown.

April 7 (sun)-No blood all day. Called doc. Said to come in Monday for another blood test.

April 8 (mon)- Started bleeding bright red all day. On the way to the doc, started having intense cramping. Knew I was miscarrying; I'm a professional, I would know.

Got to the doc, they took blood. Sitting on table buck naked, bending over in major pain waiting for the doc, I passed a huge amount of gross blood. So embarrassing. Doc comes in. I apologize for making a total mess, explain that I know its happening. He sticks the thing in, and says, "well, you're still pregnant!" I had my head turned away from the screen because frankly, at this point, this was my 5th ultrasound ever and I didn't want to see a blank screen again...but when I looked, there it was. A 50 cent piece sized blob on the screen that had tripled in size since my visit 4 days before. Talk about a miracle! Doc said what I passed was probably a blood clot. All looked good.

April 9 (tue)- Doc called to tell me my bloodwork came back. Said my levels had only increased to 950, which wasn't as high as they should have been. He predicted I'd miscarry in the next few days.

April 9-11-Read every article ever written on threatened miscarriage, bleeding during early pregnancy, vanishing twins, etc. Convinced myself there was still hope because even though I had cramps and bled heavily that one day, I still saw the baby on the screen which means it's still in there. Only spotted off and on these 2 days.

Today, 7:00am-4:00pm-Woke up with period-like cramps (which for me is equals PAIN and no relief, considering I'm only taking regular strength Tylenol for pain, just in case...) Bleeding ALL day (pretty heavily). Gave up any hope that what I saw on the screen on Monday is still there.

4:00pm-Took 5 Ibuprofens (sp?)  and had a tall sweet tea. Probably killed whatever was left inside, if there was anything.

Right now-Lingering cramps, still bleeding. And just plain ANGRY.

 

I have to go back Monday for an ultrasound to make sure all is out and everything looks normal. I have cried and bled everyday since taking that first test. I'm done. I'm SICK of feeling this way. And I'm pale. Like, vampire-ishly pale. It's not healthy. The worst part is, I've read a thousand and two real-life stories from other blogs and community chats and with a newly identified diagnosis of "recurrent miscarriage", there isn't a good chance of them finding out what is wrong with me. Every time I haven't made it past 6 six weeks. There has GOT to be some way for them to test and find out what the deal is. I couldn't be more of a perfect model of a pregnant person when I'm pregnant so I know it has nothing to do with what I'm doing on the outside. Something on the inside has to be fixed and it has to be done before I try again because neither Mike nor I can take this again, I promise you. We die everyday; in the sense that we have suffered everyday with this situation since the first test. We've suffered with worry. (And to the people who told me, "don't worry about it, don't think about miscarrying" obviously have never had two in a row before because that's like being on a diet and watching the molten lava cake sundae from Sonic commercial in slow motion. You are GOING to think about it every second. It's inevitable.) We've suffered every time I've gone to the bathroom. We've suffered with every blank ultrasound screen. We've suffered with every kid I teach whose parents could give a shit less about them yet are unmarried, dirt poor, on drugs, or just generally bad people who had perfectly normal pregnancies and popped out a kid with no issues whatsover. We've suffered with every kid Mike has had to watch being taken away from their crack-head, on-welfare parents who were able to have multiple children while we go through this pain time after time after time. It's not right! We die everyday.

 

Yet while we die a little every day, there will be joy that is ultimately worth all this suffering we've both endured. That is the only thing we both have to hang onto. We may not be the best people in the world. We sure as hell aren't rich. But we have a bond between us that is bigger than any of this. If we don't have a child, the world won't come to an end. We are perfectly content the way we are. It's a huge pill to swallow, because the world would be a little less awesome without the fruit of my loins walking the planet, but it'll be okay. This has been just another battle lost on our part. After I get past the blank screen I'm sure we will see on Monday, we are going balls-to-the-wall with questioning, testing, researching, and studying. There will be a way. I know it. I FEEL it! I knew there was no chance of a pregnancy in March, yet by the grace of God and the postive vibes from people who have had our backs since the first pregnancy test I took on October 23, 2011, it happened. I can't get on Facebook right now because if I see a pregnancy announcement I may actually spontaneously combust on site, yet I wanted to share the latest with my readers. You all have gone above and beyond with your emails, comments, and shared experiences. I have told more than one person that I would NOT be able to go through each and every one of these times without each and every one of you. We may die everyday, but we're still here. And we aren't going down without a fight.