The title of this post isn't one I wanted to ever have to name. I starting writing this several days ago but waited to publish it. I've deleted and changed my words so many times because my thoughts keep changing and even I can't keep up with the jumbled mess that is currently my brain. I've gotten flack because I haven't posted in a few weeks and here's the reason: my readers are my favorite people, even the ones I don't know. I can share whatever I want and I don't feel like I'm being judged about any of it. I can tell you my secrets and my fears and my funnies. I guess the reason I couldn't write for you lately is because I couldn't share the secret that I was pregnant. By now, the cat's out of the bag and I have to share my newest secret...I had an ectopic pregnancy and had it terminated today for the sole purpose of saving my own life.
I feel like each time has presented a harder pill to swallow. We are literally up to elephant-tranquilizer-sized pills with this one. I'm completely dumbfounded with myself. My doctors are dumbfounded. My uterus is apparently dumbfounded that Mike's lazy-ass sperm couldn't even make it to where it was supposed to be. I've tried to write about this over the last few days but I'm tired of trying to be funny and optimistic. I'm tired of reading "have faith" quotes to boost my spirits. Every time has taken a little bit of my faith from me and if that makes me a bad Christian, then so be it. I mean, I have faith that every morning we'll get a fog delay for school but reality says (as I pull into the parking lot and walk into the building at 7:45 every day) "it ain't happening". Some small part of me, buried way in the back it seems, still believes there is a chance at having a baby. But the reality is this has happened 4 times in the past 2 years and it is certainly NOT a coincidence each time. Reality is that I finally have to wrap my head around the idea that I may not be able to have a child. Honestly, the fact that the Redskin's record (1-3) is better than mine (0-4), is frightening.
Regardless of my morbid, sappy words here, I am trying to handle this situation the best way I know how. I get out of bed to function and at the end of the day, I'm thankful that I made it through. I put on a brave front and I literally tell myself every second "your faith is greater than your fear". If I can say it enough maybe I'll actually whole-heartedly believe it. I hate that I make people walk on egg-shells around me. I know I'm faking most of the time here lately, but faking it is making me get through this. Treat me like I'm the same person--I promise it's the best medicine for me!! We have tough decisions ahead of us--namely whether or not we want to continue to try. I realize that I'm only 28 and have years ahead of me, but how many more miscarriages do those years entail? Is it really worth it--or even at this point after this one, is it worth me risking my health?
Arrrrgggg I just want to lay in my bed and eat KitKats and Nerds and chips and load up on whatever the medicine my nurse at the ER the other day gave me which was appropriately called "Heroine's 2nd Cousin". Yes. THAT good. There is a video of the influences of this medicine on yours truly that my other half possesses and maybe if you ask nicely, he'll share it with you. It's Tosh.O worthy. Just don't ever let me know you watched it. Every fiber of my being wants to shut out the world but I'm too stubborn to actually let that happen. I'll get up in the morning and I'll go through the motions because that's what I HAVE to make myself do. I'll fake it til I make it--and in this case, perhaps one day I'll actually make a baby.
I feel like each time has presented a harder pill to swallow. We are literally up to elephant-tranquilizer-sized pills with this one. I'm completely dumbfounded with myself. My doctors are dumbfounded. My uterus is apparently dumbfounded that Mike's lazy-ass sperm couldn't even make it to where it was supposed to be. I've tried to write about this over the last few days but I'm tired of trying to be funny and optimistic. I'm tired of reading "have faith" quotes to boost my spirits. Every time has taken a little bit of my faith from me and if that makes me a bad Christian, then so be it. I mean, I have faith that every morning we'll get a fog delay for school but reality says (as I pull into the parking lot and walk into the building at 7:45 every day) "it ain't happening". Some small part of me, buried way in the back it seems, still believes there is a chance at having a baby. But the reality is this has happened 4 times in the past 2 years and it is certainly NOT a coincidence each time. Reality is that I finally have to wrap my head around the idea that I may not be able to have a child. Honestly, the fact that the Redskin's record (1-3) is better than mine (0-4), is frightening.
Regardless of my morbid, sappy words here, I am trying to handle this situation the best way I know how. I get out of bed to function and at the end of the day, I'm thankful that I made it through. I put on a brave front and I literally tell myself every second "your faith is greater than your fear". If I can say it enough maybe I'll actually whole-heartedly believe it. I hate that I make people walk on egg-shells around me. I know I'm faking most of the time here lately, but faking it is making me get through this. Treat me like I'm the same person--I promise it's the best medicine for me!! We have tough decisions ahead of us--namely whether or not we want to continue to try. I realize that I'm only 28 and have years ahead of me, but how many more miscarriages do those years entail? Is it really worth it--or even at this point after this one, is it worth me risking my health?
Arrrrgggg I just want to lay in my bed and eat KitKats and Nerds and chips and load up on whatever the medicine my nurse at the ER the other day gave me which was appropriately called "Heroine's 2nd Cousin". Yes. THAT good. There is a video of the influences of this medicine on yours truly that my other half possesses and maybe if you ask nicely, he'll share it with you. It's Tosh.O worthy. Just don't ever let me know you watched it. Every fiber of my being wants to shut out the world but I'm too stubborn to actually let that happen. I'll get up in the morning and I'll go through the motions because that's what I HAVE to make myself do. I'll fake it til I make it--and in this case, perhaps one day I'll actually make a baby.
No words to say.....just that I love you!
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