Big Ben, Parliament

Y'ALL!!! I can't even begin to express how overwhelmed I'm feeling right now! I just logged into my blog and about peed my pants when I saw the statistics. For those of you blog-illiterates, blogger.com keeps stats of your blog views from every post you...post. It breaks down the numbers daily so you can see how many people are viewing your posts and even gives you fancy-smancy colored charts and graphs for you math people to analyze your data. When I was a fresh blog virgin back in 2010, none of this interested me. However, with real-life book/publishing ideas floating in my head, I've been keeping track. Basically, the more people that follow me or read my posts, the better. This way, maybe people will actually PAY to read what I write. Well, I posted on Tuesday night and my data says that I have just about DOUBLED my viewing from my last post--and that's almost in less than 48 hours! My numbers are steadily increasing, which makes me giddy :) (Unless my numbers are just from the same person stalking my page over and over and over again. Which is totally a possibility. Because I'm completely guilty of creeper-stalking pages and running the viewing numbers up. My apologies to Taylor Kinney's Google Image search result page)  I can't thank each of you enough for your support, encouragement, and most importantly, your stories that you've shared with me about your own similar experiences. This tiny seed started as therapy for me and it has grown into a full-blown, blossoming flower! I'm truly appreciative of ALL of you! From the bottom of my heart!

 

While I've got you here, I have a story that I must share! Tomorrow is field trip day for my class! Whenever 'field trip' comes into talks, my thoughts immediately go as follows:

 

#1. OMG I'm going to be semi-bus pukey all day.

#2. Ugh. I hate taking 20 other people's kids into public. We all know I'm not responsible--i.e. Redskins tickets. (For those of you who do not know of this story, you will. Eventually.)

And #3. My mind travels to every school trip I ever went on.

 

Which leads me to this jewel of a story that convinced me of real-life soul mates.

 

In 9th (Or 10th--my mind is foggy about this detail) grade, we traveled on charter buses to Washington D.C. for the hundredth time to view stuff no self-respecting 15 year-old gave a shit about. At this point in time, I was recognizing that I had evolved into the "girl who was always the guy's best friend, not girlfriend". All my best friends were boys and had been since pre-pre-K. This was getting old. Especially to a hopeless romantic like myself who spent weekends watching movies like Pretty in Pink and Grease II and secretly prayed that I'd find my soul-mate in high school and yada yada yada. I decided that I had a crush on one of my BFFs. However, our science teacher brought her dang daughter with us on the trip (she went to another school but her mom taught at ours) and guess who fell all over her with her stupid, super cute, orangey-dyed hair. My crush. I'd started out sitting right in front of them on the bus but on the way from one stupid museum to the next, we'd gotten scrambled together. I was sitting mid-bus and THEY were in a little group in the back. MY friends (the boys) and HER friends. Oh yes, she brought back-up. And they were the cheer-leading, stereotypical, dumb blonde types that make you want to hurl. We were in the middle of downtown D.C. and all I could hear was "hahahaha stop it! hahahaha you're so funny! hahahaha!" and other sorts of flirty, teenage nonsense. I was seething with anger. I refused to take a glance behind me because I could have vomited all over the scene. I was completely forgotten and totally self-conscious that I had on jeans and tennis shoes while those bitches had on cute, open-toed, high-heeled sandals. I mean really? We were touring WASHINGTON FREAKING D.C. And it was RAINING! I had the window seat and noticed that our bus was in a roundabout...for a second time. I could hear the bus driver talking loudly on the radio and noticed that the teachers were all aflutter, in the midst of all the ha-freaking-larious comedy coming from the kissy-kissy lovefest that had developed in the back of the bus.

 

As we passed the same street sign pointing to the Holocaust Museum a third time, I perked up. I realized that our driver had either no idea where he was going or we were stuck. In a roundabout. In Washington D.C. On a charter bus. In that instance, all I could think of was Chevy Chase in European Vacation when he was stuck in the roundabout in London. A classic. I knew my guy friends would appreciate a Chevy comment so I sat up, turned in my seat and said, "Hey y'all! 'BIG BEN, PARLIAMENT'!" One of the enemy girls said, "what did she say?" and started giggling like she'd heard the word "penis" or something. My crush was too enthralled with the face of HER that he didn't even realize I was 3 seats ahead of him, turned around, and all but hanging myself over the back of my seat. One of our douchebag friends said, "WHAT?" and looked at me disgustingly, so I said, "We're stuck in a roundabout. You know, 'BIG BEN? PARLIAMENT'?"

 

I can still hear the crickets chirping and the see the blank stares to this day. Unappreciative tools.

 

Anyway, I turned back into my seat and stared out the window. I remember thinking, "Is this it for me? Will I always be the girl by herself who says stuff at inappropriate times that nobody gets?" We were literally stuck in that roundabout for 20 minutes or so, unbeknownst to the Breakfast Club in the back. (Sidenote: Unbeknownst is a kick-ass word. We should use it more often in everyday language.) As of today, my "crush" and our science teacher's daughter are STILL together! I quickly got over what I thought was 'more-than-friends' feelings and accepted that I would forever be the girl that had guy best friends instead of girls. It probably had to do with the fact that I flippin' LOVE my science teacher's daughter now and find it ridiculous to have even had a negative thought about her in my head.

 

Now to the actual point of this story. Fast forward 8 years. Mike and I were on our honeymoon at Clearwater Beach, Florida. In the middle of the little town, there is a roundabout. On our way to our hotel, traffic was backed up because of the Friday afternoon commute. We were both quiet in my little Honda Civic as we'd been stuck in it for a thousand hours and were ill of traffic. While we inched our way around the roundabout, Mike opens the windows, turns down the radio, and says loudly, "BIG BEN, PARLIAMENT!"

 

I stared out the window, in complete shock. But with a grin on my face for my 15 year-old self.

 

 

 

 



Book list!

For those of you who don't know, I am a total geek when it comes to books. I have read an embarrasing amount of books since acquiring my Kindle at Christmas and there's no telling how many I've read in the past year. I have a library upstairs. A. LIBRARY. I love to write and I think that is a direct link to my love of reading. I come from a long line of readers. My grandma, mom, and aunt have always been hard-core readers. I like to think this is a fabulous gene that's been passed to me! While many of you have asked and given me encouraging words, I am pleased to announce that I am working on a BOOK (gasp!) to be PUBLISHED (gasp!) hopefully by the end of summer. I started it several years ago after a long, crappy relationship and I have to get the story out of my head! My plan is to finish it during my spring break and have it published by August. My first book will be fiction and of the genre found below in the list of books that I've posted. I have an idea for a humourous, non-fiction that keeps bouncing around in my brain that I know will want to escape, pending on the first one. This is a very exciting process--bear with me through it! My ultimate goal is to be successful enough for this to be a full-time job, however, I'm realistic and know this may not happen for years to come!

Below, please find a list of books that I LOVE since their release over the past year. The genre isn't for everyone, so please be aware they are mostly NA (New adult) romance. **These are just a few of my favorites, in no particular order!

1. Beautiful Disaster-Jamie McGuire
2. Thoughtless-S.C. Stephens
3. Effortless-S.C. Stephens
4. Reckless-S.C. Stephens
5. The Opportunist-Tarryn Fisher
6. Dirty Red-Tarryn Fisher
7. Hopeless-Colleen Hoover
8. While It Lasts-Abbi Glines
9. Avoiding Commitment-K.A. Linde
10. Avoiding Responsibility-K.A. Linde
11. The Edge of Never-J.A. Redmerski
12. The Coincidence of Callie & Kayden-Jessica Sorenson
13. The Secret of Ella & Micha-Jessica Sorenson
14. The Perfect Game-J. Sterling
15. Clash-Nicole Williams
16. Crash-Nicole Williams
17. Ten Tiny Breaths-K.A. Tucker
18. Motorcycle Man-Kristen Ashley
19. This Man-Jodi Ellen Malpas
20. Beneath This Man-Jodi Ellen Malpas
21. Collide-Gail Hugh
22. Through Smoke-J.R. Tate
23. Rush-Maya Banks
24. Find You in the Dark-A. Meredith Walters
25. The Vincent Boys-Abbi Glines
26. Up In Flames-Nicole Williams
27. Fallen Too Far-Abbi Glines
28. Never Too Far-Abbi Glines
29. The Boy Who Sneaks In My Bedroom Window-Kirsty Moseley
30. Rock Me-Cherrie Lynn

**My FAVORITE 2 books of all time:
1. It Had to Be You-Susan Elizabeth Phillips
2. This Heart of Mine-Susan Elizabeth Phillips

Egg Whites

Holy procrastination, it's March!! Surprisingly (or not so surprising, if you know me ;), it's been 2 months since my last post. This is not for a lack of wanting to, mind you. I've been in the same situation in the last few weeks--either hog-crazy or bummed out with anxiousness. Yes, I just said "hog crazy". No, I do not know where that came from or what it means.

To catch you up and to get all up in yo face with TMI, I've had 2 spectacularly normal periods since December. As soon as my next period starts, I have to call the doc and schedule an appointment for re-evaluation. This will include him analyzing my temperature charts and sex/ovulation schedules. Since I am a seasoned expert in both of these things, I could easily give any OB-GYN a run for his or her money. However, I do have some complaints for the person who invented, created, or just imagined up these truly craptastic inventions or "conception theories". First, basal temperature charting is ridiculous and a complete a waste of time for the not-so math inclined. My charts look like the veins in the legs of my old music teacher from elementary school. If you had Mrs. Gee, YOU KNOW. You KNOW! There is no consistency. One n-th degree change makes my chart look like a map for the floor of the ocean with its hills, trenches, and flat plains. On top of that, the "jump" you are supposed to wait for happens only AFTER ovulation has occured!!! OMG. I need an inner GPS voice that tells me throughout the day in a crisp, clear British voice: "Ovulation occuring" or "Have sex in 1.5 to 24 hours" I'll even take a "Recalculating"--anything to be more clear than what I've been dealing with.

The method that has been the most accurate for me is mucus testing. (BEWARE-This is the "all up in yo face TMI" I was speaking of). Most community posts that I've been stalking since my first mc say that as soon as you see "clear, egg-white discharge", it's GO-TIME. Unfortunately, sometimes you can't get a clear check of this when you wipe, so I've been having to get really creative while taking a potty break. Hence, the old-fashioned, 'stick your finger up there' version. Oh yes. This is happening, people. Let me give you a little background information on me and situations such as this.

In 2005 after my ovarian cyst removal, I become horrendously nauseous from the pain pills. The only way they could stop the nausea is...you guessed it...stick one of those things up your rear. After the initial immature laughter that occured after my Daddy brought home the whatever it is called from the drug store, I escaped to the bathroom to...insert. I couldn't bend over because of my cuts, so I had to awkwardly cock my leg up on the bathroom counter and hold a cosmetic mirror under the cookah area to figure out where to place it. Because I can't do anything seriously, this lasted all of 30 seconds. Mama and Mammaw were outside the bathroom door. Mama and I had the giggles, so nothing was getting accomplished. Finally, Mammaw said "ALRIGHT. I'll do it." And into the bathroom we went. Let me tell you, you never fully appreciate somebody until they are (voluntarily) face-to-face, shoving a piece of medicine up your 20 year old behind all in the name of making you feel better. And yes, I am still giggling over this 7 years later, yet it is a forbidden conversation with Mammaw.

I'm unsure how I feel about going on fertility drugs. If you didn't already know, I'm a high-risk case for twins. My mom is a twin and my maternal grandmother's father had twin siblings. Mike's family has twins as well, but if my research is correct, he really doesn't count. In addition to this, the percentage of twins increased after each miscarriage. The math is something like, after 1 miscarriage, I had a 70% chance of twins the next pregnancy. After the 2nd, it went up to 80%. However, it drops after a 3rd MC. The thought of this is hella-scary. Exciting, but frightening. Hopefully, drugs won't be needed since getting pregnant isn't really an issue. I'd just like to have 1 kid before 30, if possible. My aforementioned, enema-shoving grandma stopped having periods at 35, which really puts a damper on my plan...which is currently POP ONE OUT, THEN IMMEDIATELY TAKE MY GIRLY PARTS AWAY. My plan was always 3 kids, but heck, sometimes you just gotta take what you can get in life.

When my period started last week, I crazy-ladied it and burst into tears. We were ON POINT with the sex schedule last month and even did the "stick-it and flip-it" version. (For those of you who need a visual, it means guy on top missionary, then girl flips around and throws her legs up on the head board for 20 minutes to let gravity work its wonders.) I've been handling things really well but everybody gets worn down about things over time. Most of my emotions over this whole fiasco should be channeled into pure frustration, because in reality, that's all it is. This adventure started in August of 2011 and here it is, almost 2 years later, and the Peebles' are kidless. I have a list of names and I must have a child before somebody takes one and then I won't be able to use it! For example, PEYTON! CARTER! TRIPP! Ugh. We can't use a name that's already been used. I guess it comes from being named KRISTIN. Or MIKE.

Anyway, March is hopeful. We are trying til we get it right, and damn it, it WILL get right! I haven't lost much weight and I REFUSE to be fat the the beach this year unless I'm pregnant. Then, I can be fat and lazy and have a legit reason ;)

Zumba, Jesus, & Dallas

Happy 20-13! It's the 6th of January and I hope all of you "resolutioners" have maintained your promises. I come from a long line of procrastinators, therefore I stopped making new year resolutions years ago. If I did though, mine would be something realistic, like:

 

Number One: Make an effort to pay attention when backing out of the driveway. The pole that holds wires (or something) at the end of it is tired of getting up-close-and-personal with the Jetta's rear every morning. And I'm sure the Jetta is tired of me decorting her with black streaks at least once a week.

 

Number Two: Stop hosting 'trash-can emptier' competitions with Mike. When you see the trash can needs to be emptied, go ahead and change the bag. Don't wait days upon days to see if he will change it for you. He won't. Ever.

 

Number Three: Invest in a good razor. The cheap ones you have been buying have been leaving crappy razor burn all over your legs. It is NOT an excuse to stop shaving for days so quit telling yourself that.

 

This week in science, I was teaching the different characteristics of the 5 kingdoms. My favorite teaching method is to use analogies so the lesson went a little like...

 

Me: "Even though different animals have different characteristics, we still include them in the animal kingdom. For instance, compare me and an elephant. (<------ this was the first mistake). What are some obvious different characteristics?"

 

Kid 1: "Elephants have a trunk. You don't."

 

Kid 2: "Elephants walk on 4 legs and you walk on 2."

 

Me: "Exactly. Now, what are some characteristics that we share? (<----- this was the second mistake)

 

Kid 1: "You both have eyes and ears."

 

Kid 2 (and former favorite student): "If elephants lived in South Hill, they'd probably only eat Bojangles like you do"

 

Me: "And moving right along"

 

This fabulous teaching moment occured on Thursday. I was back at Bootcamp Friday morning at 5am. Saturday, my bootcamp lady hosted a 2 hour workout. 30 minutes of Zumba, 30 minutes of step-aerobics, 30 minutes of kickboxing, and 30 minutes of abs. Zumba should come with a slogan. "Zumba: A White Girl's Nightmare" or Zumba: Embarrassing White Girls Across the Nation". There were about 25 people at the class and it was about half & half (half white girls, half black girls). Needless to say, I looked like Baby from Dirty Dancing when she first found the secret dance place at the resort. I'm talking like, no hip movement whatsoever. More like a giant fat woman trying to hula hoop with an imaginary hoop. It was awkward. It was not fun. I was an embarrassment to my race. I'll leave it at that.

 

Since I randomly decided to restart my exercise program, I also decided to bust up in church this morning. I'm not an overly religious person. If you know me, you know I'm not "Jesusy" and I have caught myself on more than one occasion making fun of those exact types of people. Thus the need to visit an actual church today. (And let me be clear, I don't make fun of Jesusy people...I make fun of fake people who want to convince the world and themselves that they are uber religious when they are anything but. You know the exact type. You have Facebook.) Anyway, if you know me, you know with my life experiences that I HAVE to believe in God. If not, I'd be locked away somewhere, I'm sure. I know that when I pray (which is every morning, usually in the shower when I'm avoiding shaving my legs) I always get my answers in signs. It's always 3 signs and it always, always happens when I am feeling upset about something. I've been feeling out of sorts lately and I finally decided that you know what, I wasn't going to wait for a sign this time, I was going to go out and look for it. So I went to church. And I got a sign. The sermon was titled "Turning Point". If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what is. I probably should have an entire post on this but I should stick to my title. On to "Dallas"...

 

I've been so freaking premenstral this week it hasn't been funny. I'm talking like, rip-roaring, full raging B!#^@. I flipped out on Mike when I got home today because he was cooking chilli in the crock-pot but left hamburger grease all over the stove. HELLO! A man was cooking me dinner and I flipped out because of a few drops of grease on the stove? AND the trashcan had been emptied. I should have been breaking out into song. Then, I got so angry at Dallas fans talking junk about the Redskins losing on Facebook that I actually DEFRIENDED them! I mean full-fledged, went to their page, and hit "unfriend". Like 6 of them. So many people email me and tell me about their own period/miscarriage experiences but this time, I'd really like to hear about other peoples' PMS and irritabilitiy issues. Just so I know I'm not alone out there. (The dryer buzzer has been going off for like 10 minutes now and I have unflattering thoughts of going in there and ripping it out of the wall and tossing the whole thing in the backyard. And I should be able to, since I'm the size of an elephant, according to my students. HA!)

 

Flo should be here on Tuesday and my nightstand is loaded down with charts and my trusty thermometer. Until then, pray that I learn how to loosen my hips and break it down in Zumba. Pray that I stop referring to people as "Jesusy". Most importantly, pray for the people who have to be around me until Aunt Flo's arrival this week. Especially the ones who talk smack about the Redskins to my face, because unfortunately, people in real-life don't have "unfriend" or "hide from news feed" buttons.

Rolling 6's

Today was about as postive as postive can get! I usually work myself into knots before going into a potentially stressful situation, yet this time, I didn't really get nervous until about 15 minutes before my appointment. If I honestly thought I was going to get bad news today, I knew I would have gotten signs or would've had bad vibes. Fortunately, the only worrying I had was right before we went into the hospital and it went something like, "Oh my God. I forgot to paint my toenails last night and my feet are going to be stuck up in the air with everybody looking at them and turning green from disgust." You know what I'm talking about. Winter toenails and legs are gross. I paint my toes in the winter sparingly and my poor legs only get shaven like once a week. Don't judge me. You know you are checking your peach-fuzz calves right now.

I made Mike stop at a Dollar Tree down the street from the hospital so I could buy socks. I had on flats today and needed a back-up plan. Miraculously, we were on time and could spare a quick side trip. Crisis averted.

In a nutshell, I am perfectly healthy. There is nothing wrong with me (that we know right now) that is preventing me from getting pregnant and most importantly, carrying full-term. I asked all the questions I was supposed to. There is no cyst on my ovaries--I just have a real 'mother' of a period so I have to deal with that once a month. The Rh factor has nothing to do with me keeping a pregnancy. Mike & I are both O-neg, so we are universally meant for each other ;) When I had surgery in 2005 to remove an ovarian cyst, there were no complications that would have caused anything to go wrong with future pregnancies. My ultrasound was perfect. My 'parts' are in perfect condition. My hips aren't lying; they are ready for "child-bearing".

I've heard much "flack" in recent months from my readers in regards to switching to another doctor. I'll admit, I had a bad seed planted in my brain after hearing that he could be more compassionate towards me. Yet, every time I have visited him since my first MC, he has been honest, open, and very understanding about my issues. I am a very proud wife that Mike goes in with me for these appointments. I don't make him, which is odd, considering it's like an act of Congress just to get him to take the empty roll of toilet paper off the dang holder when I need him to. When the good Dr. and I were reviewing my stats, Mike breaks in with "well, both times it has happened during the implantation period and we are just concerned about the formation of chromosomes being the problem". Cue my jaw-dropping look of "who. the. hell. are. you. and. where. is. my. husband?" My poor jaw surgeon would have keeled over and died during that very moment. And I would have joined him with my surprising 'Mr. OB-GYN Expert' spouse spitting out medical-hooplah like that.

We were reassured that this is still only the 2nd MC. Quite frankly, Dr. G says that most women would kill to have gotten pregnant as quickly as I did (each time!) Let's face it, twice in less than a year is awesome (not awesome that I lost them, but you get the point), considering many women try for months and months and years and years and have no success. He said that honestly, 2 is not uncommon. Even 3. He used the analogy: you can roll a dice and get two 6's in a row...it can certainly happen. Rolling 3, yeah, a little more uncommon. Rolling 4-5, that's a little excessive and definitely cause for concern. Until we get to that, there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. He said if, and only if, we get past 3 or 4, that's when he'll refer me to a specialist to start testing sperm and yada yada yada.

I left the office with a Basal thermometer (something I've been against doing because I don't want to add anymore stress on this situation than there already is) and a Rx for sex. Lots of it. No more than once in a 24-hour time period but more than once in a 48-time period. (I think I got that right, basically, every other day during my ovulation time). I also have to lay with my legs thrown up in the air for 20 minutes after. (And yes, it was KILLING me to keep a straight face while I had that conversation with my 50-some year old doctor who has salt & pepper hair and a mustache very much like Frankie Tanner. It's true: I often have the metality & immaturity of my 5th graders). My next appointment is set for the first of April but he is positive I will see him before then. As soon as I see a steady spike in my temperature and I am 5 days late, I should take a test. If it's positive, I am to call him immediately and I will go in. If he sees what he needs to see, I will be visiting him every 7-10 days during the first trimester to make sure things are going like they should. Gah! So much work to do! 

I have a poster in my classroom that I bought before my first year of teaching. It says, "Great things are worth the work". It's very meaningful to me and obvi it applies to so many other aspects in (my) life than just "hey kid, do your work so you can pass". We've got our game-faces on now and I don't know about Mike, but I'm surely ready for the work! Until next time...

Seeing Red

Okay, the title's not what you think! (but yeah, it kinda is). I know you have a love/hate relationship with me right now. It's okay. I have that same feeling about myself. I'm sure you were hanging on the edge of your seat at the end of my last post. I left you dangling in the breeze wondering if, in fact, I was knocked up. I have good news and gooder news. The good news is, yes, I went and took a second test since I had a non-existant period in October. It was negative. BUT! I've had two successfully carried-out periods for November AND December! Which leads me to the gooder news...I am going in for "testing" this Friday to find out WTF is wrong with me! YES!! (And I know gooder isn't a word. I'm a writer and taught it fabulously for a whole year, I just think gooder is funny to say. You OCD grammar people are just going to have to take a chill pill.)

 

If you know me or know me through my writing, you know that I have Googled myself to death over what types of "testing" I'm getting ready to subject myself to. We all know that I can get pregnant, so Mike isn't the problem. We just can't follow through after 5-6 weeks (or to you medicy people, "implantation"). I have NOT been able to find any sorts of what "tests" are out there, blogs related to my problem, or similar experiences to people I've spoken to about what's going on. I've read about reoccuring miscarriages and statistics show that after one miscarriage, women have an 80-85% percent chance of the next pregnancy following through. Y'all know I suck at all things "numbers" and I failed that category. I'm in the "women who have had 2 or more miscarriages have a 70-75% of the next pregnancy following through to nine months". I do know enough about math to know I need to be in the category with INCREASING numbers, not decreasing.

 

Since I fall in the less desirable category, even though 70-75% is considered passing (at least in my classroom it is!), I have read that I may be referred to a "specialist". My response to Dr. G if this is suggested to me is this: Man, you've seen my vagina so many times this year you'd think I'd get a frequent flyer card to your office or SOMETHING. Even a "lunch punch" card will do...after so many visits, I get a free lunch. I mean, if we weren't actively training for the Making Babies category in the Olympics, I'd say he has seen it more than Mike this year! DR. GOSPODNECTIC IS MORE THAN QUALIFIED TO BE A 'SPECIALIST' OF KRISTIN'S COOKAH! Geez.

 

Anyway, I just wrapped up my second month of period-normalcy and yes, I actually prayed and THANKED God for that. I hate Aunt Flo and her over-dramatic bitchiness the first day, but Aunt Flo and her irritating personality being normal means I'm normal. For now. I can't wait to share my findings with you after Friday. It's like anticipating the "results" show at the end of a dramatic realty series. I originally had my appointment set for January but they called me back with an opening for this week. Which usually means there's a reason...just slip a little prayer in for me and hope let's hope it's a good one!  

Crazy Pants

I don't know if they have thermostats in hell but if they do, someone needs to check it. Immediately. I'm sure it's below freezing because yes, I'm posting two nights in row. I seem to be having a dilemma. (Story of my life.) The best way I can explain it is like this. Remember when you were going on your first REAL date? (This is more from a girl's perspective, obvi. Unless I have now expanded my blogger-followers into the gay demographics. Which is awesome. Can we be friends, please? I think I need the dramatic slaps-in-the-face that only super gay men can deliver) Moving on. 

Remember waiting at your parents house for your first REAL date to come and pick you up? Think back to the 5 minutes before his actual arrival and remember the jitters. My parents live in the Grand Central Station of houses in my hometown so every car, every headlight reflection that hit the window, and every gravel chunk I heard I would tense up and my hands would shake. I would sneak into the darkest room on the front side of my house and squat down in the floor to open the blinds and peek out onto the highway so people (namely my date) wouldn't be able to see me stalking him out. This worked wonders because I had the upper hand and could put on my 'nonchalant face' like I wasn't about to go into cardiac arrest waiting on him five minutes before. Once he arrived though, my tension usually left me immediately. It was always just the anticipation of the arrival that made me spaz out.

Which brings me to my current situation. If you follow my blog religiously, you know that my Aunt Flo has turned out to be a real bitch in her old age of 15. Especially since I've gone off the pill. And even more especially since the miscarriage last November. Her arrival times have been anywhere from 25-33 days but her stay is always 5 days. Not so much this time. For 2 days (within the range that I expected her) I had these weird cramps. Not my normal excruciating pain cramps, just a weird crampy, not quite a stomach ache. But no blood. The third day, I had bright red (really light) but also had normal excruciating pain cramps. Thank Jesus every month so far has had me starting at home because it is almost unbearable. This time, I laid on the bed and had Mike lay across my stomach and roll side to side. This was the only thing to help ease the pain. Don't tell him I told you. The next morning, fourth day, I had no cramps and no blood. Fifth and sixth days, same thing. Nothing. Then on the seventh day, I woke up and had spotting for about half a day. 

Talk about spazzing out. I went straight to Dollar General after school (because I'm not spending a bajillion dollars on the fancy preggers test until I have a full blown missed period again). Of course I went to the bathroom as soon as I walked in the door but forgot to pee on the damn stick. (I'm so horrible at this--see my first blog for the reference.) I drank a bottle of water and waited for the urge then took the test. Negative. I didn't get upset, but I was kind of surprised. My periods, while they have a mind of their own lately, have NEVER been like that before. So I started BLOWING the internet UP for blogs from similar girls in my situation. I read that I could be pregnant but it's so early the hormones can't be detected. I read that I could be pregnant but since I drank so much water before I did the test, I could have diluted the hormone. I read so many responses to stories just like mine but the comments left by people were split right down the middle. "YES--this means pregnant." NO--you idiot. You've had 2 miscarriages in a year and your body is jacked up still. Get over yourself." <------My personal favorite. I started having a war in my head that lasted a day this week. I even convinced myself to call and try to schedule an appointment with a new doctor. (Insert new, gay, male BFF over-dramatic slap.) I'd had it. 

I finally broke down and called my doctor. I spilled my life story and medical history to some poor, unsuspecting nurse who instead of talking me down said, "Miss, let me get Dr. Gospodnetic to call you back". He did. We chatted for 15 minutes. I about got hysterical because I'm long over dealing with this insanity that is my period. He was so sweet and comforting, but he could offer me no answer. I'm 'inconclusive'. HA. I could have told him that long before I showed him my cukah. Basically, my ovulation is off. Which is causing my brain and logical thinking to be "off" too. He pulled all my stuff from my last exam in June and I'm still young and healthy and 2 miscarriages are still not uncommon. If I can make it through 2 more normal periods, then I can go back to him the 3rd month for testing. If I go another month with a bull#$% period, I have to go back in immediately following. 

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to this every single month. I don't even have on the "baby goggles". I just want my cycle back to normal for the love of Jehovah. It feels so nice to blog this out because I know my hubs is getting so tired of hearing me moan every 30 days, "OH MY GOD, GET ME PREGNANT OR PUT ME ON THE PILL, DAMN IT! I HATE PERIODS!"

It's been 2 days since I took a test. I have no symptoms of being pregnant other than 2 new zits on my face--which could be because I'm out of my 3-step and am too lazy to go buy a new stash. And, I'm tired. But let's face it people, I'm tired 24/7, 365. It has nothing to do with a bun in the oven. All fellow teachers can attest to this.

I'm definitely at the point where I'm squatting down in the living room, jumping at every sound, waiting. Do I take another test? If it's positive, that starts a whole new bout of 'crazy' nerves for me--like, "will I lose this one too?" If it's negative, that means I have another month to build myself up for "will I have a period? will it be normal?" I just want my "date" to get here so I can take off the crazy pants I seem to be wearing lately.

I can't promise you I won't leave for the store as soon as I log out of here. But I can promise you this...if it's a 'positive', you won't know about it until I pop that kid out at 9 months. If it's negative, you get a whole new round of bitchin' from me next month ;) Until then...