Scared Straight Program

**Written on March 31, 2015**

I'm currently in the middle of my 14th week. The last time I posted was in the middle of Week 10, so needless to say, things have come and gone with a bang. Weeks 6-11 were TEXTBOOK pregnancy symptoms. It's so weird for me to actually be considered "normal". For so long, I've had to take alternate routes to figuring things out for myself because my case has been anything but. 

I had gotten SO spoiled with my treatment. Every time I went to the doctor, they had to do an ultrasound and I got to see my innards, whether I wanted to or not. I went to my Week 12 appointment, waited like 45 minutes to see the doctor, only to have his nurse whip out a heart monitor, listen to the baby's heartbeat, and let Dr. G "wham-bam-thank-you-mam" me and my pelvis. Which took all of 7 minutes. When I vented about this to literally every woman I know who has ever had a child, they looked at me like, "Um, not every appointment is an ultrasound". What? WHAT?!?!?!? I haven't seen my kid since like Week 8. What if it's a unicorn? I just can't get over how things are so "come back in 4 weeks and we'll take more of your money but not really tell you anything exciting". Ugh. Sometimes it sucks to be spoiled. 

On a more exciting note, I VOMITED ONCE DURING WEEK 11!!!!! It was truly the greatest. Luckily, I really only ever dealt with serious nausea sans vomiting. Towards the end of the first trimester, I was still pumping estrogen and progesterone into my body--the SAME body that was already pumping out estrogen and progesterone on its own. Naturally, with the double dose I was getting, it was only fair that I should feel the effects from it. I had had about 4 days in a row of the worst nausea known to humans, or in other words, basically: "Sugar, step away from Mrs. Peebles cuz you bout to have a story you can tell at your high school graduation about how you always suspected your fifth grade teacher REALLY did not care for you". 

On the 4th day of misery, I was sitting in my chair trying to take attendance and I just said to myself, this is INSANITY. I started to make myself have that extra spit form in my mouth--you know what I mean--so I jumped up from my chair, grabbed the first adult I saw and told them to cover me, and ran to the nearest bathroom where I promptly and spectacularly threw up. It was the most excited I had been in the longest time. I puked from being pregnant! Do you know how long I had waited for that?! 

Since my lone-puking incident, there have been many instances that would qualify me to be a spokesperson at a high school about pregnancy. And not for the obvious reason: make them feel guilty about easily having a kid by telling them about my struggle. No. I want to just be flat-out REAL with the girls. And not even about the obvious pregnancy symptoms, either. Nausea, vomiting, yada, yada, yes, that happens...

But I'm talking about the symptoms nobody really tells you about. Like when you wake up in the morning and not a single pair of pants fit anymore. But they fit yesterday! What happened?! I had a pair of simple button/zipper dress pants that literally would take Ponce de Leon and his crew to leave the button side of the pants and explore the ocean of belly to the other side where the fastener was. My mom friends told me, "Oh, just use a rubberband and attach them" or "buy the belly band and you'll be fine!"...um, WHAT? My stomach literally expanded overnight. I do not trust my organs enough to NOT move during the day and pop the band off and hit a kid in the face. And just who in the hee-haw heck came up with the "pregnancy glow"? The only glow this face has seen has been from the sweat that broke out on my forehead from trying to zip up my dang britches. This is real pregnant life, y'all.

Also, has anybody taken a gander at maternity clothes lately?? I'm so glad we've evolved from the basic moo-moo I remember seeing pregnant women wear when I was a kid, but let's face it. There are extremely limited fashionable maternity clothes available. Let me rephrase. There are extremely limited AFFORDABLE, fashionable maternity clothes available. The slim-pickins at your regular Gap, Old Navy, Kohl's, etc. are less than to be desired, while the adorable, stylish maternity clothes found in boutiques are pretty much "$68 for this t-shirt". I'm carrying the spawn of a teacher and a cop. Let's face it, I'm used to stretching $68 into 3 t-shirts, 2 pairs of jeans, and a necklace. From Target. 

How about achy, bleeding gums? Oh yeah. Sexy. Around Week 5, I had my regularly scheduled dental cleaning. I complained that I noticed when I was flossing that my gums were bleeding. My hygienist told me that it was a pregnancy symptom and it would probably get worse. She didn't lie. After having braces twice and enduring jaw surgery, I take much pride in my oral hygiene. I brush and floss religiously, thank you very much. I also wear my retainers EVERY SINGLE NIGHT(<--- speaking of sexy). Yet I find myself waking up in the middle of the night with achy teeth and have to take my retainers out, which causes my highly sensitive gag reflex to kick in, which grosses Baby Daddy out. Then I would dream my teeth were falling out. I couldn't let this weird situation go, so I consulted Google. Apparently, when you dream you are losing your teeth, it's because, ironically, the dreamer can't "sink his teeth" into a situation. Bless you, Google. Of course I can't "sink my teeth into" the fact I'm in my second trimester. 

Lastly, I'd like to just say to the teenagers, "Oh you enjoy eating food? Go ahead and get pregnant, cos sweeties, your appetite is more varied than yo' mood swings". Not exactly sure why I'd talk to them like I'm a veteran black lady cop, but it seems to be more intimidating, so let's go with it. While the first trimester really messes with your taste buds, the second trimester brings back some of your cravings for your favorite foods...until you eat your favorite foods and they set your ass on fire. I have so many treasured stashes of Tums at my house that it would take Ocean's Fourteen, Fifteen, AND Sixteen to break into them. My former favorite meals and restaurants are currently the things I can't stand to even think about because of the repercussions. When you do indulge in things less than healthy, you read daily pregnancy tips from the apps on your phone and they make you feel like you've earned whatever the opposite of the "Mother of the Year" award is. First they tell you to drink milk and eat veggies and fruits and whole grains, while in the next sentence, they say too much of these things will cause imminent death for your kid. Eat this, not that. Drink this, not that. Do this, not that. I may have had a graduate course in how to GET pregnant, but BEING pregnant has turned out to be more reading and studying than I've ever hoped for. There's no time for extracurricular activities; you sleep for 22 hours a day, eat for one, and then read about what you are and are not supposed to be doing for the last. Now, just what teenager do you know actually LIKES to read?!

We all know I've mastered the actual first stage of pregnancy: getting pregnant. I seem to have made it successfully through the first trimester. Now it's my job to spread what I know with the ones who struggle with the concept of "I shouldn't be having a kid right now". I'm pretty sure I exceed the qualifications. Somebody hook me up with tour dates and an RV with the slogan, "Coming to a community center basement near you" next to a picture of me with no make-up on, oily 2-day old hair, and a baby bump showing out of my faded yoga pants and a tank top that should have retired with Michael Jordan. This is life-changing, motivational stuff, folks. Life. Changing.