23-Steps to the Perfect Snow Day

The definition of the word 'purgatory' is defined as a condition or place of temporary punishment or suffering. I haven't been able to come up with the best word for what I've been feeling for the past year, but I read the word today and it basically nailed it for me. Okay, so, 'punishment' or 'suffering' is a little dramatic, but it wouldn't describe me if it wasn't dramatic.

I love old people. I've always connected better with people older than me--in school, in college, at my jobs. I lived in a classy subdivision that was basically a fancy retirement place for a month with my mother-in-law and I was in hog-heaven. I married somebody 10 years older than me. Does that make me mature for my age? Hell no. I've just always seemed to gravitate towards people who've got a decade(s) on me. That being said, I learn much from listening to them.

Something I've heard for a while now from more than one 'old' person is that the holidays bring you down as you age. I always thought, "um, are you crazy?" but after this year, I kinda get where they're coming from. From Halloween to New Year's Day, it's pretty much an adrenaline rush from the time you're old enough to recognize that holidays are special until you're settled enough to start sharing traditions with a family you created. Then, the newness sort of wears off and excitement, well, isn't really excitement anymore. Until you have kids of your own. Then the whole cycle starts repeating itself.

It never really bothered me before this year. And 'bothered' isn't the right word, but I can't seem to come up with a better one. I don't sit around pining for a child. But I find myself being a little sad because there are so many situations where I think, "this would be so much better if I had a kid". For instance, when my family gathers, there aren't any small children to entertain us anymore. So I think, "I'm the one who logically should have a child here for everybody to fawn over". Or Christmas shopping. (Shopping for my husband is pretty much equivalent to shopping for a kid, considering he got a light-up Star Wars Lightsaber Chapstick in his stocking this year, along with Batman phone cover and pajamas...) I feel like I would be so much more 'into' it if I were shopping and plotting for my children. And play dates. Lots of girls my age have kids now so they can get together and throw them into a room full of toys while they hang out and talk about parenting stuff. (Or drink adult beverages which is totally what I'd be doing if I were invited to play dates.)

Purgatory is where I'm stuck at. It's a place that I will eventually check out of because I'll either accept that I have the perfect family already, just the 2 of us, or I'll end up having my own brood and I'll go back and read this and think "WTF were you thinking?!" It's hard to shake the feeling of being punished when we pretty much have the ideal situation to bring a child into--both parents IN LOVE, (with each other, by the way), married, good jobs, good homes, good cars, good insurance. It's hard to accept when relationships fall apart around us then get rewarded with pregnancies that go off perfectly. It's a hard pill to swallow and it's one I've tried hard not to choke on lately. But it's happening and the only thing I can do is stay on idle in the waiting room of purgatory and wait for this chapter in my story to end.

Now, I'm switching over from Debbie Depression and easing up with a topic that is probably the most exciting thing for me since I was a Victoria Elementary Panther and that is a SNOW DAY. I'm sitting here whining about being punished because I don't have children and I'm missing a very important, very obvious fact punching me in the face: It's a snow day and I DON'T HAVE CHILDREN!

This is a 23-step guide to a girl teacher's (whose husband is on midnight shift and therefore nonexistent, has no children and no responsibilities other than her dog who fortunately is as lazy as she is and requires only to be taken down the steps to tinkle twice a day) snow day.

1. Go to a fitness class the night before the snow day for the first time in a year so that you're so sore you can do nothing, I mean NOTHING, without it causing physical pain. Pain so great, it takes 20 minutes to lower yourself down on the toilet.

2. Wake up whenever you want to. 10:30 is a good midmorning time because you can move from the bed to the sofa until 12:00 which everybody knows is the universal time to eat lunch.

3. Download samples of books on the Kindle you want to read. Read samples, pick the best, and read it. IN ONE SITTING.

4. Do a load of laundry.

5. If your eyes start watering from reading, take a break to Pinterest food that looks good. Walk into the kitchen and realize you have nothing but expired cheese slices in the fridge. Unpin all the food that looks good and order something from town. Send 15 inappropriate pins that you can't publically pin to your board because people will judge you to one of your BFFs. View all the ones she sent you an hour earlier.

6. Check out the DVR and find shows you want to rewatch. Realize that you have no more Breaking Bad episodes to see because you watched all 5 seasons in 2 days over Christmas break. Let the sadness seep back in for approximately 5 minutes. (It was THAT good, it deserves to be mourned!) Realize you also have all seasons of "The Mindy Project" recorded. Watch your favorite episodes, especially the ones with Cliff in them because you need him to star as the male character yuppie boy in the book you're going to read next from previous sample list.

7. Get attached to Mindy Kaling in a weird, long-lost sisterly way and get her book from upstairs. Reread your favorite chapters and try to be inspired to write on your own book. Sit down to write in your book and realize you are still facing a brick wall and can't think. Get aggravated and go back to Pinterest.

8. Search "Charlie Hunnam" and drool for 10 minutes.

9. Decide to Netflix Sons of Anarchy. Realize it's going to take at least a week to watch all seasons, so go to YouTube and search "Charlie Hunnam". Find the clip that has basically all his scenes, you know, those scenes.

10. Read second book. Imagine the new male character as not-so yuppie Charlie.

10. Practice writing your name in the dust on the coffee table in the living room.

11. Go get the duster, then decide, you'll do that later.

12. Check Facebook to see if the next day is also cancelled.

13. Text pictures of your road that's covered in a teeny tiny patch of ice and send it to your coworkers declaring you can't get to work in the morning because of the road conditions, even though you literally live 2 minutes from your job.

14. Realize the washer stopped 8 hours ago. Move them to the dryer.

15. Eat dinner.

16. Vacuum one room. (Let's not get carried away and do more than that.)

17. Read texts from coworkers that say school is cancelled again tomorrow.

18. Go get laundry from dryer, but half-way there, decide you can do that tomorrow.

19. Start new book. Realize your eyes are red and puffy from all the electronics. Put Kindle on charger.

20. Wrap up and take the dog outside. Don't actually go off the porch. Can't do steps without screaming in excruciating pain. Watch dog slip on ice-covered steps and tumble down the rest of them. Have mini-panic attack, but also realize you can't stop laughing and wish you could've recorded it. Let dog wander and do his business. Go pick up dog from the ground because he refuses to come back up them.

21. Change pajamas. Settle back on the sofa. Until your eyes droop so much you head to bed.

22. Say your prayers, give thanks for the family you DO have, for Pinterest, and for living in the south; therefore dealing with a dusting of snow that shuts down the educational system in which you chose your profession. Apologize for whining about purgatory.

23. Repeat steps 1-22 the next day.

For those of you who appreciate my visuals:

Yuppie male lead: