Diet Birthday Cake

Monday afternoon I was supposed to meet with the "bootcamp" lady about her program. I honestly was exhausted and sitting in my chair at school procrastinating what I needed to do for the rest of the week when my phone dinged an incoming email. In my procrastination/whiny mental conversation with myself, I had already put starting bootcamp on the back burner. Then I checked my email. Bootcamp literally forced itself into my brain when I was so ready to make another excuse for not getting my rear in gear about losing these added accessories attached to my hips. It was my lady and she was basically like, "I am here. You need to be too." So I left work and headed to meet her. Basically, bootcamp is 1 hour workouts lots of times during the week at ungodly hours of the day for 4 weeks. And also, a crazy meal plan that even Tweety Bird would starve on.

I immediately left the lady and went straight to the store to stock up on what little food I was supposed to eat this week. This pretty much consisted of: eggs, kale, grapefruit, water, fat free tuna, tilapia, and chicken breasts. I probably could've picked leaves off the bush in the front yard too and they'd be okay, according to this diet. If you are turning your face up in agony for me as you read this, bless your heart. You should be. You will understand my torture a little more when I tell you that that little bit of food cost me $50.00. Do you KNOW how many cans of Beefaroni, bread, cheese, bologna, containers of BOGO Breyer's ice cream and Lay's Tangy Carolina BBQ chips, and $1 cheeseburgers from McDonald's $50 will buy? Enough for me to live off of for 2 weeks. Of course, having eaten all that while being broke this past year got me the extra bit of Kristin in the first place.

So I got up on Tuesday and Thursday mornings at  4:30 AM. A-M. In the morning. (Last time I was up that early was for my 4th grade class field trip to Jamestown, btw.) to go to the workouts. Then I walked/jogged/speed-walked (while trying not to vomit) 3.5 miles yesterday and just a little while ago. The exercise and diet are honestly not too bad. I was making the food issue out to be a big deal in my head, but then I reminded myself that I went 6 weeks with nothing more than Ensure 3 meals a day and could DO THIS. With that in mind, I've been sticking to it. And it's only been a WEEK. Kick me!

Today has been the worst so far. I scrolled through Facebook earlier and all I saw within the first 3 posts were pics of some kid's birthday cake. Which reminded me of my upcoming 27th birthday on the 25th. Which had me thinking of places where I wanted to go to dinner and what kind of cake I wanted this year. Which has gotten me to bring myself upstairs to blog...in the furthest room in the house away from the kitchen. Ugh.

On a brighter note, I went to a forreal SPA yesterday and had a forreal massage. Thankfully I could barely move from all the exercising I'd been doing and the hour long rub-down cured my soreness. I'd like to think I was the type of wealthy that could say "Oh Dahling, I'm just so sore today, why don't we schedule massages" but I'm not. Mike and I had been saving from our last beach trip to be able to go Mitchell's and it just so happened our scheduled date was the weekend after I'd been playing the fat kid at football camp all week having asthma attacks and faking cramps to keep from doing the reeeeally hard moves. While my rub-down was fantastic, I'm the type of person that can never fully RELAX. My brain is always working and I'm never able to clear my mind completely. So as I'm laying (naked) facedown into the little face-pillow thing that leaves your face squished up and staring into the floor, my brain WANTED to clear itself but it just wouldn't happen.

My massage thought process went something like this: "What if there is a camera in the floor right where I'm looking at and they take these hideous pictures of people's faces to make fun of us when we leave. I wonder if this girl is making a puke face while she's rubbing my back. I know my fat rolls are visible because the blanket is about to drop down to a borderline lesbian encounter. HA. I wonder if lesbians would rather have a man or a woman masseuse? I wonder how you spell 'masseuse'? If I think I'm fat with just my back (which is probably stretched out enough that there aren't any rolls, per se) I wonder how many gross hairy fat men this girl has to massage? When does "The Client List" come back on TV? I'll have to look it up. I know J. Love Hewitt had fat hairy men to rub down in that show. Yes. That show also has Colin Eggleston in it. Who is also on Rizzoli & Isles. I wonder how many products I can think of that could be called "Rizzoli & Isles"? Perfume? Yes. Law firms? Yes. Salad dressing? YES! (in my most snotty, white girl voice) "Could you pass the Rizzoli & Isles, dahling?"

See. Totally incapable of letting my mind rest. I know I've been rambling but honestly, it's keeping me away from the kitchen. And also away from my car keys, because I am NOT above going to Sonic, in the rain, to get a vanilla cone. Is it bedtime yet?? I'll leave you with what I've been eating this week. I'll promise to share my weightloss (yes, I'm being cocky about that) on Tuesday if you promise not to feel sympathy towards me after you read this sorry excuse for a diet I'm on. I don't need sympathy...I need encouragement to keep me away from allll the things I've been craving today. I'll also take suggestions on recipes for Diet Birthday Cake. Until Tuesday...

Tuesday:

1/2 grapefruit & oatmeal

1/2 grapefruit & tuna salad (with NOTHING good in it, I promise)

Ground turkey burger (just the patty, with A1 sauce)

Wednesday:

2 scrambled eggs w/cheddar

1/2 grapefruit & turkey burger

1/2 grapefruit & chicken breast (plain)

Thursday:

2 scrambled eggs w/cheddar

2 cups broccoli (w/FF cheese)

2 cups kale

Friday:

oatmeal

ground turkey burger (just the patty, with A1 sauce)

ANOTHER ground turkey burger

2 cups kale

Saturday:

oatmeal

honey mustard chicken (chicken breast cut up w/FF honey must.)

a few spoonfuls of brown rice

broccoli (plain)

ground turkey burger (just the patty, with A1 sauce)

Today:

oatmeal

1/2 sweet potato (w/less than a teaspoon of light butter and a sprinkle of brown sugar)

2 cups chilli

**Orbit Sugarfree Sweetmint gum has been working overtime to cure my sugar-fix this week. And I was supposed to have 2 more grapefruits worked in there somewhere but have you tasted a freaking grapefruit, ever? Blehhhhh.**