Happy 20-13! It's the 6th of January and I hope all of you "resolutioners" have maintained your promises. I come from a long line of procrastinators, therefore I stopped making new year resolutions years ago. If I did though, mine would be something realistic, like:
Number One: Make an effort to pay attention when backing out of the driveway. The pole that holds wires (or something) at the end of it is tired of getting up-close-and-personal with the Jetta's rear every morning. And I'm sure the Jetta is tired of me decorting her with black streaks at least once a week.
Number Two: Stop hosting 'trash-can emptier' competitions with Mike. When you see the trash can needs to be emptied, go ahead and change the bag. Don't wait days upon days to see if he will change it for you. He won't. Ever.
Number Three: Invest in a good razor. The cheap ones you have been buying have been leaving crappy razor burn all over your legs. It is NOT an excuse to stop shaving for days so quit telling yourself that.
This week in science, I was teaching the different characteristics of the 5 kingdoms. My favorite teaching method is to use analogies so the lesson went a little like...
Me: "Even though different animals have different characteristics, we still include them in the animal kingdom. For instance, compare me and an elephant. (<------ this was the first mistake). What are some obvious different characteristics?"
Kid 1: "Elephants have a trunk. You don't."
Kid 2: "Elephants walk on 4 legs and you walk on 2."
Me: "Exactly. Now, what are some characteristics that we share? (<----- this was the second mistake)
Kid 1: "You both have eyes and ears."
Kid 2 (and former favorite student): "If elephants lived in South Hill, they'd probably only eat Bojangles like you do"
Me: "And moving right along"
This fabulous teaching moment occured on Thursday. I was back at Bootcamp Friday morning at 5am. Saturday, my bootcamp lady hosted a 2 hour workout. 30 minutes of Zumba, 30 minutes of step-aerobics, 30 minutes of kickboxing, and 30 minutes of abs. Zumba should come with a slogan. "Zumba: A White Girl's Nightmare" or Zumba: Embarrassing White Girls Across the Nation". There were about 25 people at the class and it was about half & half (half white girls, half black girls). Needless to say, I looked like Baby from Dirty Dancing when she first found the secret dance place at the resort. I'm talking like, no hip movement whatsoever. More like a giant fat woman trying to hula hoop with an imaginary hoop. It was awkward. It was not fun. I was an embarrassment to my race. I'll leave it at that.
Since I randomly decided to restart my exercise program, I also decided to bust up in church this morning. I'm not an overly religious person. If you know me, you know I'm not "Jesusy" and I have caught myself on more than one occasion making fun of those exact types of people. Thus the need to visit an actual church today. (And let me be clear, I don't make fun of Jesusy people...I make fun of fake people who want to convince the world and themselves that they are uber religious when they are anything but. You know the exact type. You have Facebook.) Anyway, if you know me, you know with my life experiences that I HAVE to believe in God. If not, I'd be locked away somewhere, I'm sure. I know that when I pray (which is every morning, usually in the shower when I'm avoiding shaving my legs) I always get my answers in signs. It's always 3 signs and it always, always happens when I am feeling upset about something. I've been feeling out of sorts lately and I finally decided that you know what, I wasn't going to wait for a sign this time, I was going to go out and look for it. So I went to church. And I got a sign. The sermon was titled "Turning Point". If that wasn't a sign, I don't know what is. I probably should have an entire post on this but I should stick to my title. On to "Dallas"...
I've been so freaking premenstral this week it hasn't been funny. I'm talking like, rip-roaring, full raging B!#^@. I flipped out on Mike when I got home today because he was cooking chilli in the crock-pot but left hamburger grease all over the stove. HELLO! A man was cooking me dinner and I flipped out because of a few drops of grease on the stove? AND the trashcan had been emptied. I should have been breaking out into song. Then, I got so angry at Dallas fans talking junk about the Redskins losing on Facebook that I actually DEFRIENDED them! I mean full-fledged, went to their page, and hit "unfriend". Like 6 of them. So many people email me and tell me about their own period/miscarriage experiences but this time, I'd really like to hear about other peoples' PMS and irritabilitiy issues. Just so I know I'm not alone out there. (The dryer buzzer has been going off for like 10 minutes now and I have unflattering thoughts of going in there and ripping it out of the wall and tossing the whole thing in the backyard. And I should be able to, since I'm the size of an elephant, according to my students. HA!)
Flo should be here on Tuesday and my nightstand is loaded down with charts and my trusty thermometer. Until then, pray that I learn how to loosen my hips and break it down in Zumba. Pray that I stop referring to people as "Jesusy". Most importantly, pray for the people who have to be around me until Aunt Flo's arrival this week. Especially the ones who talk smack about the Redskins to my face, because unfortunately, people in real-life don't have "unfriend" or "hide from news feed" buttons.
